


A Kiss for Rudy

by KallenTheNightSwan



Category: Bob's Burgers (Cartoon)
Genre: Episode Related, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-30
Updated: 2017-08-30
Packaged: 2018-12-21 15:23:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,299
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11947092
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KallenTheNightSwan/pseuds/KallenTheNightSwan
Summary: Just a little some-what re-write on Season 7 Episode 9, "Bob Actually" for your entertainment. Mostly this is from Louise's POV. This is how I imagine her inner voice during parts of that episode.May become part of a series of mini-stories/re-writes... we'll see.





	A Kiss for Rudy

**Author's Note:**

> Information Note: In this fic, Louise and Rudy are in the fifth grade. Louise is 10, Rudy is 9 going-on-10.
> 
> The start of the series, Louise is “9”. In “House of 1000 Bounces,” it’s Rudy’s 9th birthday. (His wiki page had his age at ’10,’ which is non-canonical... so I put in a request to fix it). Therefore, Louise is older than Rudy (canon). 
> 
> \- Kallen

Chloe Barbash.

 

 _Chloe_. _Bar-Bash?!_

 

Louise can’t believe it – how could _Rudy_ like _her?_

 

Okay. Well, the kid likes _everyone_ (to an extent), but she _knows_ Rudy better than _anyone_ ; so this crush on Chloe baffled her, and she was glad her older sister was stuck on the toilet at school and forced to hear her rant – otherwise she’s sure she’d look insane, pacing the girl’s bathroom and shouting at nothing.

 

Then… just after she was able to accept it, Louise runs into Rudy in the hallway during their break, and he shows her one of the (apparently, many) notes he’s gotten from Chloe.

 

Louise reads it out loud with Rudy looking over her shoulder and it all comes together after that.

 

She says nothing as her best bud walks away from her, an extra skip in his step, and she knew what she had to do.

 

Louise needs to make sure Chloe Barbash kisses Rudy. No matter how much that thought makes her want to punch something.

 

Of- _course_ Rudy would fall for her stupid scheme! He’s so… damn _hopeful_ and _trusting!_

 

The nerd wouldn’t even _think_ to be suspicious at getting random, flirty notes from a pretty girl that _just so happens_ to _also_ ask for his _quiz answers!_

 

Rudy is far from stupid. In fact, next to her, Rudy’s one of the cleverest kids she knows and is basically the only one she can stand to be with for long periods of time without wanting to scream in annoyance.

 

But his heart is over-sized, and it is way too big for his body, which is only regular-sized and burdened with asthma and self-deprecation – and Chloe _clearly_ took advantage of her best friend, and Louise _won’t stand for it_.

 

Rudy wouldn’t get angry with Chloe, and the bitch would never know just how much she hurt him.

 

So. Louise just needs to make sure he doesn’t get hurt in the first place.

 

It’s why she has hunted down, and is now trailing after, Chloe Barbash with a purpose – to convince this brainless, cupcake-scented _bitch_ to kiss her regular-sized best bud.

 

* * *

 

 

 

Rudy hums happily to himself, detouring to the boy’s room before going to class.

 

To think, after today, he’d have had his very first ’non-parents-and-grandmother’ kiss. It wasn’t news he was really planning on sharing with anyone, especially Louise. But she hadn’t ranted or teased or mocked him about buying love weeds for Chole, and didn’t seem bothered to deliver his card for him, so he felt it be safe to confide in her about his plan.

 

Honestly if Chloe Barbash hadn’t started passing him notes in class a couple week ago, he wouldn’t have even thought it _possible_ to get a kiss this Valentine’s Day. He didn’t really take notice of her (other than the fact that she smelled strongly of cupcakes) until he received that first note; then he started to take notice of her hair and the confidence in her walk… little things like that.

 

And although Rudy never really seemed to get the chance to talk with her that much outside of class (he’s tried, of course – but Chloe’s a popular girl and doesn’t always have the time, he gets it), he was willing to see where this could lead.

 

It’s the first time anyone had a crush on him, and he couldn’t lie and say it didn’t feel pretty great. He didn’t necessarily like some of the pet names, like ‘cutie bear’, but no one has ever called him ‘cute’ before, so beggars can’t be choosers.

And while Rudy knows that Chloe’s interest in him will wan eventually (he’s very aware that _he_ would not be _her_ first kiss), he wants to take this chance.

 

Who knows when someone as pretty as _Chloe Barbash_ would take an interest in someone like _him_ again? He knows they probably won’t last too long, mostly because he doesn’t think they have many things in common, but what’s life without risks? Who knows, maybe she could surprise him.

 

Rudy startles when the bell suddenly rings and he rushes through washing his hands (again) and runs out of the bathroom, only to find out that he _way_ late to class, because that was the _second_ bell.

 

He takes a second to panic, fumbling with his inhaler for a moment before putting it back in his pocket after a hit.

 

Oh, well – he could always pretend he had some allergy-attack or asthma emergency or _something_.

 

Rudy’s pretty much figured out how malleable adults could be when faced with things they don’t want to deal with… namely _him_ and his many issues.

  

 

* * *

 

 

“The jig is up. I know what you’re doing, _Chloe_.”

 

The red-headed fifth grader turns around and snaps back, “What are you talking about, _Louise?"_  

 

Louise is almost unable to resist rolling her eyes. But she manages.

 

Barely.

 

“I know that you’ve been acting flirty with Regular-Sized Rudy just to get his quiz answers.” Louise accuses the shiny, red-headed girl in front of her.

 

“Rudy’s a big boy. If he feels like giving me the answers, that’s up to _him_.”

 

Ha! No.

 

“Okay, listen. He’s is _not_ a ‘big boy’, okay? He’s _regular-sized_. And that kid has _more heart_ in his regular-sized body, than anyone else in this school and you _… just…just…_ ”

 

Louise thought she’d be able to keep her shit together, but she’s starting to lose her ‘cool,’ because even the thought of someone so… _unworthy_ and _undeserving_ of Rudy’s beautiful, giant-sized heart, receiving something so _personal_ and _special_ from him makes her want to scream and –

 

“Oh. My god. You’re _freaking out_.” The witch sounds amused, but at this point Louise couldn’t care less what this bitch thinks of her.

 

“Yes! Because Rudy wants to meet you after school to give you his first kiss. And you know what? You’re gunna _give him_ his first kiss.”

 

“Why would I do that? Because he gave me _weeds?_ ”

 

“YES!”

 

“Louise. He isn’t the only boy who gave me weeds today. This is from Kevin. Kevin I-shi-har-a. He juggled _three_ Beanie Babies in last year’s talent show. _Three._ Rudy’s like, the slowest runner in our grade.”

 

“He’s the slowest runner, in the _world!_ _Everybody_ knows that! He shouldn’t be running _at all_.”

 

“That’s what I’m saying!”

 

“He starts running and after _two paces_ , he has to stop to breathe!”

 

“I know, it’s so embarrassing.”

 

“Yea, and you’re gunna SUCK IT UP! You’re gunna kiss that slow man! You’re gunna kiss slow, Regular-Sized Rudy, or you’re gunna be eating that love weed through a straw!”

 

With a shout of jealous and offended fury, she grabs at the other girl in hopes to shake some sense into her. She might not want someone like _her_ to kiss Rudy, but at this point she’s desperate to make sure he doesn’t get his feelings hurt – because Rudy’s heart is more important.

 

Unfortunately, Louise must be off her game today.

 

It’s either that, or cupcake-scented Barbash is stronger than she looks, because Louise is eventually shoved away, and has failed to convince (strangle) her classmate into submission.

 

“I am **_not_** kissing him, Louise. Bye!”

 

And with a snobby flip of her overly-scented hair, she’s gone.

 

The fight bleeds out of her, because she’s done all she could do.

 

Damnit. Rudy’s right. She _does_ smell good.

 

And now… Louise is standing in the middle of the hallway, being stared at by the few, unfortunate souls who happened to witness the argument. When she turns her glare on them, it doesn’t seem like they overheard what it was _about_ as they quickly duck their heads and scurry off like mice.

 

Good. It seems like she won’t have to threaten anyone into silence today. A shame, but she doesn’t have the time for it anyways.

 

As Louise trudges back to class without her backpack, she realizes that even though she was trying so hard to get Chloe to kiss Rudy, she’s relieved that Rudy’s first kiss won’t be wasted on a brainless shampoo-zombie.

 

If Chloe Barbash (Bar-‘bitch’, in Louise’s mind) just can’t see what she’s missing, then it’s her loss, honestly.

 

Rudy can do _so_ much better than _her_ , anyways. He deserves the best, and Louise thinks all that extra shampoo must have scrubbed out some of her brain cells, because only a blind _idiot_ wouldn’t realize just what they’re throwing away by rejecting Rudy’s affections. Ugh – if anyone just took the time to talk to the kid for five minutes, they’d find out just how much of a _sweetheart_ Rudy is.

 

It’s better if Rudy’s first kiss is saved for someone who can truly appreciate it. Someone who knows its value and won’t treat it like it’s nothing.

 

Now all Louise has to do is get that message across to her best bud in a way that won’t hurt his feelings or disappoint him too much.

 

Louise ignores the teacher as she walks into class late and continues to frown down at her desk, dreading the moment the final school bell will ring.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Louise watches her best bud make his way across the lawn towards the playground… where she’s been anxiously waiting for the past five minutes.

 

For a moment she’s nervous. Rudy would have figured out that Chloe wasn’t going to show up for a kiss even without Louise standing here, waiting to deliver the bad news… but the thought of her big-hearted, wheezy, red-head bestie waiting around hopefully for someone who was never going to show up squeezed the heart she likes to pretend she doesn’t have.

 

Ugh. Just _picturing_ the adorable dork in that situation just… rubs her the wrong way. Like dragging your palm against the grain of hair on your arms – or something like that.

 

“Hey Louise, where’s Chloe?”

 

Rudy approaches her with a small smile and a happy greeting, still smiling even though Chloe’s not there, and suddenly Louise isn’t so sure she can do this.

 

“Rudy, I have to tell you something.” Louise is no good at being sensitive, sympathetic or reassuring, so she needs to get this out bluntly. Can’t sugar-coat it. “She’s not coming.”

 

There’s a brief pause and the hesitation in his voice makes her bite her lip.

 

“Um, d-did she not get my card?”

 

Anyone else (besides her siblings), and she would pass this off on someone better-suited for this sort of thing; like Tina, or her mom.

 

But this is Rudy, and this can’t come from anyone other than her. No one else cares enough.

 

“She did, um… but she’s still not coming. Um… d-do you get what I’m saying?”

 

She watches as Rudy frowns slightly and blinks at her; a small, thoughtful furrow on his brow.

 

 _“Geez, why does this have to be so_ _hard?!”_ Louise’s inner voice moans in soulful agony and viciously stifles the urge to pull the kid into a hug –

 

“Nnnnnot really.”

 

Or throttle him until that stupidly annoying befuddled look on his face falls off.

 

“Ugh, god! _Rudy!_ ” Louise can’t help but shout, because _common!_ “Chloe doesn’t wanna be your Valentine!”

 

There’s a brief moment of silence as Rudy takes this in. She sees in his eyes that Rudy gets it now, but doesn’t want to believe it. Denial.

 

“But… w-what about all those notes?”

 

“Oh. My god.” Louise reaches out and mimes grabbing his face because she can barely contain herself from _actually_ grabbing him and pulling him into a hug. The stupid idiot. “Get it through your think, round, skull, Rudy! Chloe _doesn’t like you!_ But _who cares_ , Right?!”

 

_Pleasedon’tcare.Pleasedon’tcare.Pleasedon’tcare –_

 

A soft, sad sigh.

 

“I guess I care.”

 

_Damn it!_

 

“Well, _stop it_! _Stop caring_!” Louise shouts, only a little desperately, because she can see the realization and the hurt and everything seep into Rudy’s face and her words aren’t stopping it.

 

“Yea, okay.” Rudy sighs softly. A soft, sad sigh of defeat and acceptance and rejection and Louise wants to _punch_ that _heartless bitch_ in the mouth!

 

Rudy sounds dejected and it breaks her heart into pieces. “… thanks for letting me know, Louise.” He’s starting to turn away, and Louise can’t let him go lick his wounds alone.

_He’s always_ _alone_.

 

“I guess it was silly to think I could get a kiss on Valen–”

 

Louise cuts him off before he can finish voicing his thought, because it’s not true. Rudy is great and deserves everything. She reels him in and holds him there because she doesn’t want to let him go just yet.

 

She’s never been able to figure out why she feels an unquestionable sense of responsibility (ownership) in regards to Rudy and his general well-being and happiness, but she does and _dammit_ if Louise doesn’t take matters into her own hands – she’s pretty sure she’d rather get hit by a bus first, than to see her Rudy’s heart break.

 

Which… is probably why she kiss-slaps him.

 

“If you tell anybody about this,” she pauses for affect, and Rudy makes an dazed sound of acknowledgement. “I will end you.”

 

Louise turns and walks away before she has the urge to do it again and lose face.

 

She doesn’t catch whatever Rudy mumbled to himself, but he sounds awestruck and breathless and it makes Louise smirk triumphantly.

 

And maybe there’s something to this ‘Valentine’s Day’ shtick after all, because when Rudy eventually catches up to her on the side walk, the smile he gives her is brilliant; so full of gratitude, genuine happiness and affection towards Louise that it warms her heart and makes her want to do it all over again.

 

 _“To think – at the beginning of the day, I didn’t want to have anything to do with this.”_ Louise thinks wryly to herself.

 

 However, to be fair, she didn’t know what she’d have missed.

 

It was so worth it.


End file.
